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ON A TRAIN RIDE BACK UPSTATE ... by Shawn Berman

ON A TRAIN RIDE BACK UPSTATE YOU TELL ME THE SCREENPLAY FOR STUART LITTLE WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN BY M. NIGHT SHALMALYAN WHICH COMPLETELY BLOWS MY MIND AS THAT WAS NOT A TWIST I SAW COMING


and even though millions of people love this seemingly lighthearted picture, there’s something unsettling to me about that lil’ rodent’s shit-eating smile, how dead his eyes look whenever he’s on screen, how he successfully infiltrated a normal nuclear family overnight and nobody thought it was odd that a pet mouse was in an orphanage or received a goddamn bicycle for his bday. i wonder if there’s a secret m. night cut lying around on his hard drive that proves stuart little is secretly an extraterrestrial rat who was sent from outer space so he could get a better understanding of our ways and figure out why public displays of love on social media almost always tend to be a bad idea especially since fb memories are always there to remind us of former past life flames. personally, if you ask me what i think about love, or relationships in general, i would say:


who cares. taco bell has a new chicken chalupa with a deep-fried shell and that’s something that will never make you cry an ocean in your bedroom at 2am no matter how bad the indigestion ends up being because at least you’ll understand where the heartache came from in the first place when it’s finally all over.


can i get an f in the chat plz.


F fffffff ffffffffffffffffffff :( :( fffffffffffffff :(


 

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. His book, Mr. Funnyman, is not too bad. Twitter: @sbb_writer.

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